Sunday, August 15, 2010

I have the strength

Life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Major changes have occurred in the past two weeks. I have not really wanted to talk about it. I still really don’t. But I am hoping to write out some feelings.
As I wrote about before, the hubby came to CA to drive baby and I back home to Arizona. He came on the 2nd, and has since returned home to Arizona. The baby and I are still in California. As many people know, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be living in Arizona. I tried to love it, I just couldn’t. So hubby suggested the baby and I stay in California with my parents, so I could have family support and go to school. It was an interesting conversation; him telling me how unhappy I am and that I need to focus on me for a while.
At this point and time, I thought everything between us would be the same; we would just live in different places. I was wrong. On the 8th, on the way to the airport, I asked him right out if we were together or broken up. He said broken up. What kills me about this particular moment is that when he told his parents our plan, he let them go on talking like we were broken up. I even asked him why he let them keep talking like that. For days, I thought we were together, and we weren’t. Everyone else knew, but me.
So in the course of three days I moved into my parents apartment, became a single mother, registered for school and was dumped by the person I thought I was going to marry someday.
Apparently, I need to stop trying to make him happy, and just work on me. Which makes sense, I suppose. I have always tried so hard to make him happy. I would do anything to make him happy. Anything.
I have dreams. I want to go to school. I want to go to nursing school. I want to be a pediatric oncology nurse. I want to get a psychology degree as well. I want to be a good mother to my son. I want to be able to support myself.
I just didn’t think I would have to support myself right now. This is very scary for me. Especially because it wasn’t something I had ever thought about, or had planned for. I have no job; and to be honest, it’s pretty difficult for me to get a job right now. Being that I have no money for daycare/babysitter and that I graduated in Feb 09 and have not used my degree at all--which in the medical field is kinda  a big deal. I am now trying to get government assistance--again, very scary.
I start school tomorrow. I am going to be taking classes that I don’t even need because I had to register so late. Geography and Addiction & Domestic Violence. Not exactly classes I would normally choose, but hey, they had space. Hoping my financial aid comes through soon, because I really don’t have the money to pay for it.
I know this post is so jumpy, I can’t help it though. There are so many things going on in my head right now…I can’t organize any of it.
What’s hurting me the most right now, is that he doesn’t seem to really care. He isn’t showing that he’s hurt. At all. He says he’s sad about missing baby, but never anything about missing me. You spend almost 4 years with someone, you kind of expect them to miss you, even a little bit after they dump you. But, apparently, and this is news to me, he has known that I wasn’t the one for a while. He was unhappy for a long time. He was just waiting to see what would happen. Waste. Of. Time. For everyone involved. If you’re unhappy with a person, and you know you don’t love them, then leave. Don’t build a life, and make plans of marriage and houses and another baby. It’s not fair.
And I’m still a little iffy about the situation. He says that he loves me and always will. And this is just a temporary thing. Well what is? The break up? The living in different states? What?
Can someone just tell me straight out what the fuck is going on?
We have Skype dates three times a week; which is great for Ry. He loves to see his daddy.
I worry about Ry. How is going to handle this? After daddy left, he knew something was up, and acted very strangely. Partly my fault for sitting around with tears in my eyes. I am already scared of daddy taking him for a week….and not bringing him back. That is MY baby boy. I take care of him. I know everything about him. No one else in the world knows that little boy like I do.
His brother said that we should talk to family law; it was a requirement for him to buy ex-hubbys ticket home. But we didn’t. Had I known that we were broken up I would have pushed it more than what I did. I can’t loose my son.
I think this is all I can handle thinking/writing about right now. Sorry for the jumpy crazy post. Just had to write something.  And yes, I do realize that this is not spaces properly, Blog Gods, please forgive me.


  1. I'm not sure that I've ever left you a real comment before, but I've been following you.

    Things like this are incredibly hard, and no one really knows the pain but you. But I can imagine - breakups from the one you love are always hard - but a million times harder when you have a family and they were your support on multiple levels. I've been there too.

    No matter what the outcome, relationship-wise, as long as you work hard and do your best your son will be thankful; he'll see it.

    So often I felt like everything is wrong, and I just wanted to figure out how to fix it but nothing works fast enough or gets what I want and I'm all alone. But eventually, things will start coming together and you'll do great, and even better - you'll see all that you can accomplish on your own. We're all a lot stronger than we realize, I think, we just don't tap into that strength until we're pushed into a situation where we have no choice.

    I guess I'm just trying to tell you that it'll all be okay, whether you can see it now or not. And if you'd like to talk, feel free to email me... even though I'm a complete stranger. :)

  2. I'm so sorry our going through this. I don't know if I have the right words, but i know time will heal this. It's going to be hard for a while, but you are a great mother and you will be that nurse one day. I just know it!


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